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November 1, 2012
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MOVE on Identity: A thing about Art and so called 'talent'

[My Opinion Versus Everyone] Please remember these are simply my opinions and are not meant to imply that you should agree or disagree nor should these prove to be offensive in any way; if I do come across displeasingly then you have my apologies beforehand, thank you.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
EDIT: I added the project MOVE header ^-^ 12/18/12~ This was written a while before that though but it falls under the category :)
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I'm writing this partially because of a situation I'm in right now with an artist who I will keep anonymous... and partially because I've wanted to get this out for months now.. And I assure you I probably will not sound like the same person you've known as 'Capu' for my 10 months here now..


Although I ask that if you do care, you'd read this, all of it.
And can I say that my emotions while writing this are non other than a simple need to have as many people understand what I'm trying to say. That skill isn't achieved through talent, but by work. Just work. 
                                                                                                                                                 

Now where shall I begin? First. I want to start of with my progress in art this past year.

Sky: reference by Capukat This everyone, was my very first deviation on Capukat. 10 months ago.
I don't need to be told to know I was far more 
unoriginal
unskilled
un...artistic? Than every one of you.
And how, you ask? Does this deviation turn into this
Snips of Light by Capukat
which is my latest full art submission...? Well read on, fellow reader, and I shall spill my secrets~
______________
Yes I've had a few accounts before this, of which I've stayed on for about a week each because not in my wildest dreams did I ever feel I'd ever create art that would gain more than 4 views and 0 favorites.

blinkblink2
SereneWinter
Whimsy11 
on Whimsy I stayed a bit longer, for 2 months, this was when I first got more serious and decided digital art, was something I wanted to pursue..

If there is one thing you must know about me, it is that I'm narrowminded, and once I set my mind on one thing, I do whatever it takes to satisfy myself.

And I've found that one thing.
Art.

I can't sing, I can't dance, I can't make friends.
I will admit I know a lot of people just want to be friends with the popularity but I couldn't care less.
My closest friends? Online. How many watchers? About 50. These two people know who they are. And you will see me talk to them on my stream, in comments, on skype. I don't need 50 friends, or 20, or 10. I have two best friends and they are the real people I look to for everything you'd categorize as 'friend'

At school? I've been the loner. The weirdo. The sociopath.
I've been called the Grudge
The Witch
The ~female dog~
Oh the list goes on~

I used to sit by myself, opposite side of the kick ball wall so I would get shade while I wait out recess. 
That was in 2nd grade.

I write this as I'm in 10th grade.
And today I sat for the lunch period against a brick wall outside of my class with my lunch locked in the room, as I study the shadows cast upon the blue lockers and while sitting there, I try to see how I might improve my shading by studying the way the lockers are... 'shaded'

I sit there, head low, rested on my arms, legs crossed, hugging myself tightly as I daydream to pass time.
I'm the new kid. For the 9th time. 

And it's been this way as long as I can remember.
I could go on, venting about my lack of the normal social teen life; how I've never worn makeup or go shopping for clothes once a year if I'm lucky or have my hair cut every six months with no style except for straight. Thin. Or a lot of things I could go on about. But I won't, because I will be honest and say I don't need hollow sympathy or attention. So let's continue~
And where do I look to for salvation? A happier ending? I suppose you could say that’s where my online life fits in~
The only thing I can do is draw. And deviantArt has allowed me to make something of a life out of it and I'm more than grateful.

It's not uncommon for me to spend 2 hours
3 sometimes
possibly 4 just sitting idly doing almost nothing
thinking about new art ideas
new concepts
new designs
New ways to ... improve~
I've deprived myself of sleep
Skipped meals
All without meaning to of course
But meaning to better myself in what I do.
I don't give up once I start. And I never mean to. I may be negative in just about anything else, you can ask my friends! But there is not a single moment where I've compared my work to another artist's without thinking:
One day I'll bring myself up to your level. And that day will come sooner than later. 

Because
I believe 
But
Believing isn't everything. You have to 
Work.

Sound familiar? Maybe a flicker of recognition is sparking somewhere?

Yes. Hard work. Hands on.
I spent a good 10-15 hours. Every. Day. During summer vacation this year. Dedicated that time to art.
You'd think oh! My parents allow me so much freedom. They don't love the fact I'm ruining my back.
Or my eyes.
Or my health.
No, and I get lectured and punished fairly for it. As I should. But this doesn't stop me.
I've been grounded. Yes.
But I want art. I want to get better. And I'm not letting anything get in between me and what I want.

I've spent over 600 hours alone during my summer break. I livestreamed everything. There's proof. You can ask. You can view the videos and check the dates. I assure you they're there.
And now with school? That gets reduced to about 30-40 hours weekly digital art. And add on another 5-10 hours traditional, procrastinate, not-focusing-on-lecture, art. Yes I've risked bad grades, more punishments, everything and anything.

But to me? It's worth it. And even now I'm not satisfied with my art. And they say your harshest critic is yourself and I say that's true. Because so long as there's room for improvement, I will never be truly satisfied. And there's always room for improvement. And it doesn't matter what I'll have to get through to get what I want, because I'll never stop wanting to get better. And that ultimately has brought me here.

I've spent over 1,000 hours this year so far on digital art.
I dare you to tell me you topped that and ask why you didn't improve because if you did, and you tried hard, and you squinted at that screen, tensing your hand, tilted your head, skipped food and water on occasions and even held off bathroom breaks, I dare you to tell me you didn't see improvement.

I dare you to tell me that you sincerely did all that and I dare you to show me your work, past and present, and I dare. you. to tell me to my. face. that you didn't see progress.

If you've read everything up to this point, I'll admit, I'm impressed~ :meow: But a little more, bear with me shall we?

~
Now at the moment, you may be wondering what my art thoughts are. Well. I want to draw humans. And if I've gotten to where I am in animal anatomy in a year, I believe I can do so with humans too. And I've started making extra time sketching humans on the corners of my class work pages or my schedule. And I'm determined to never stop.

I'm still not satisfied with my animal art, never will be fully, but this is what fuels me. Keeps me going. Feeds my ambition. I may try to come off as calm, reserved, nonchalant, and controlled. But the side of me knows better that I'm ambitious and I'm not afraid to admit so. 
Because if there's a will
there's a way.
And with my ambition and desire to improve, my will to do better, I've done it.
And I'm here to show you, to show everyone, it's possible. And that I'm not the limit.
There are others yet just waiting to do better than me. Put even more time. More effort. 
I'm doing the best I can with what I have.

But what you may ask is my ultimate goal in writing this?
I want to make sure that a few things are clear:
-I'm socially awkward; yes.
-I really never have been popular in real life; most likely never will be. (who knows, if I want it enough maybe there'll be a way with my will, but as for now I'm content, and used to it)
-I'm an artist through and through. And what makes me one is my passion for art, and never my skill.
-Talent is another word for the ability to put work into what you love. In this definition, you cannot do anything without the talent. If it's defined as natural ability to do things phenomenally, then let me tell you I didn't come here by snapping my fingers.
    a) because I can't even snap them /facepalm/
    b) you're probably head-desking due to my sarcastic and fail-of-a sense of humor
    c) if it wasn't clear, magic doesn't exist in the 21rst century therefore talent isn't what you think it is
-I may seem harsh, rude, or insensitive, uncaring. But I didn't put this up for my pleasure. So the least I can ask if that you be considerate before making judgmental thoughts.
-Art isn't for everyone. That's why we have singers, actors, dancers, engineers, scientists, you name it~ Find your passion. Pursue it. Live it, breathe it.
-And finally, be yourself. And realize that you're special in your own way but yes, work really is what's going to bring you somewhere.
-And really? If you love it, then it won't be work. Art is never work for me. It is in the literal sense, but to me, when people ask how I get the patience to draw so much? I reply simply: I love every moment of it.

:heart: So please, I thank you, everyone who's read this, for your time. And may you all have a wonderful night~

And morning/afternoon/evening.
Thank you,

Celine

By the way, here's an improvement meme if you'd like to check it out :aww:
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:iconkitten-bubblepuff:
Kitten-Bubblepuff Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow, thanks for linking me to this! It was pretty long, but so inspirational! It makes me want to spend more time on my art, and never give up on my drawings like I usually do. I pretty much always stop when I'm less than halfway done with a drawing, if I'm not pleased with it. My problem is that I am impatient; I pressure myself to whip out a masterpiece in a day, and that's my main obstacle. I too, am socially awkward, and very shy. People who only know me online may think I'm just an outgoing, happy-go-lucky bubble of joy, but I'm not. I'm incredibly timid and insecure around people I don't know. I really enjoyed reading this! Thanks for sharing this journal with me!
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:iconcapukat:
Capukat Featured By Owner 3 days ago   General Artist
Sorry for the late reply!

That's okay, I'm pretty much the same haha! Socially awkward most of the time too :3 But thank you for reading! I hope it may help you stay motivated <3

Don't give up ever!
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:iconctang15:
ctang15 Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
If you'll never be satisfied, what's the point of putting that much in? Do you really enjoy it or are you only persisting with it out of a stubborn sense of ... I dunno, whatever? Is the process of drawing actually fun for you or are you just pursuing a neverending quest for improvement, and knowing at that, and somehow not suffering from cognitive dissonance?

:iconnoeswooplz:
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:iconcapukat:
Capukat Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2014   General Artist
Ah quick apologies beforehand, but I actually don't agree fully with my old self in this journal anymore XD Although I did not mean it like that either.

Please don't assume that though, I would rather quit art then simply pursue it because I wish to see where I can go before I die.

I must say I'm offended but I understand how this could've been read differently so I'm sorry if it came off that way but no. I love art.

I suppose if to clarify things better, I meant that I'm never satisfied fully because there's always room for improvement. Prior to this journal, I had received a suicidal note indirectly accusing me of just being lucky to be "good" at art and the unfairness that they couldn't get anywhere and I suppose I was in a bit of an emotional fit while writing this.. trying to make the point that my improvement wasn't something I was born with.

But yes. Drawing is more than just fun. I'm slowly getting more satisfaction out of my work but I meant to say I know it'll never be perfect either. 

Well either way! Sorry for the misunderstanding, I definitely love art or else I wouldn't bother working for it.
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:iconctang15:
ctang15 Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Ohhh I see :dummy: sorry of you're offended, I didn't mean to be accusatory or anything ^^; But I do agree that the skills aren't just something you're born with (though the ability to learn those skills might be :o) I just think true enjoyment of something is when doing it is an end in and of itself instead of a means to something else :icontarddanceplz: You seem to really enjoying drawing considering how much you went through to do it, but the way you talked about it does give off more of a "hard work for the sake of improvement" vibe that I don't quite agree with for some reason ^^; There's nothing wrong with that, it's just me :iconnoeswooplz:
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:iconcapukat:
Capukat Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2014   General Artist
No problem!

I suppose that's another problem I had while writing. I suppose I forgot to mention that it really doesn't count as work when you love doing it although sometimes it's hard to make the point without calling it work. 

If I may correct myself then, I meant to say that you have to keep drawing/painting to improve although even if it's technically considered work, it shouldn't feel like it :) At least I hope that's more clear too.
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:iconctang15:
ctang15 Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Sure thing :la: I kinda thought more about what I said before too, and I think there's actually no right or wrong way to improve, and your improvement and enjoyment thereof is your business. :nod: It is kinda irrational to be jealous of others for having talent :boogie:
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:iconcapukat:
Capukat Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2014   General Artist
True! 
As long as the person themselves is enjoying it :D
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:iconctang15:
ctang15 Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
But of course the fans would want better stuff whether they enjoy themselves or not :iconnoeswooplz: I'd know, I'm like that with my favourite webcomics :nuu: I try not to push anyone though :dummy:
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:iconfillisa:
Fillisa Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2014  Student General Artist
I thought i was the only one getting lectures and risking bad grades Waaaah!  Although, I haven't been practicing for that long, only found that I can do art about 2 months ago, but your journal really give me alot of courage
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